Silence
by bobbingformangos
Summary: She doesn't talk anymore. My Ma that is. She'll say words, answer questions, but they are all very vague and functional. She doesn't go off on her rants, passion doesn't fill her eyes (that's what mom used to say at least), and she down right doesn't even speak to my mom anymore. She's just there.
1. Silence

Silence

She doesn't talk anymore.

My Ma that is.

She'll say words, answer questions, but they are all very vague and functional. She doesn't go off on her rants, passion doesn't fill her eyes (that's what mom used to say at least), and she down right doesn't even speak to my mom anymore.

She's just there.

Lost.

When we were in Neverland, Peter Pan (my greatgrandfather, so much for making a new friend) said that Emma was a Lost Girl and would always be one.

But she wasn't lost anymore.

She had gramps and grams.

She had Ruby and my dad and even Hook.

She had me.

Like lights guiding her home or something.

She even had my mom at some point.

But now she's so lost that even I find a hard time being around her.

Most days she'll sit by the window, staring out ignoring all of us. Even when Evie, my new aunt, cries, Ma just continues staring out the window.

Grams can't get her to truly talk anymore and Gramps is beyond worried - he still sees her as his "baby girl" from what he mutters to her when he thinks no one is listening.

When we moved back from Manhattan after we took Mom's potion to return our memories, Emma was beyond happy. She told me things would be different and she finally knew how to give everyone their happy endings.

When we came to Storybrooke I had a full family and not just Emma.

Ma and I remember our life together - it was so happy - but it was missing something.

When we got out of the yellow bug, it was Mom who rushed to hug us first.

I've never seen her so happy.

She fussed over me but when she turned to Emma she whispered her name and it sounded as loud as the ocean off the MA coast.

I mean, I'm nearly thirteen, I know when something is important and when moments change between people and this was one of them.

I noticed Emma lean in only to be pulled back into hugs from Grams and Gramps.

I've watched Batman and Thor enough to know that they were going to kiss.

Except they didn't and Mom met Robin Hood who she apparently liked now.

And was engaged to.

And weeks later, Emma spending the entire time trying to confess her love to my mom, found everyone on the day of the wedding.

I obviously was Team Emma and didn't care much about the Robin guy.

He was too cocky and misogynistic (a word Emma used a lot when I was a kid teaching me about gender equality). I didn't see what my mom saw in him.

Maybe it was her attachment to his kid while they were in the enchanted forest.

Either way, Emma tried.

Unable to express her feelings.

Until the wedding day.

It was small, only a handful attending and I stood next to my mom. I didn't want her to marry him but I did love my Mom.

He said he loved her and all the crappy repeating bullshit (thanks Emma for that word) that they person tells them to say while my mom said this was her chance at a happy ending.

"I'm your happy ending!" Emma screamed, she had slammed through the doors with her hand on her chest. Her voice had been loud and assure of itself. She had continued, "I love you Regina."

Except I had been sitting on the steps of the stage for the last forty minutes.

Emma was late.

They said their vows and left for a small reception.

I remember Ma's look on her face.

That was the moment she got lost again.

She doesn't talk anymore - better silent than too late.

* * *

Hush

She started talking when Evie's first word was her name. Unlike Emma, Evie's hair is black and she has rosy cheeks and it kind of makes me wish Ma had pictures of herself when she was Evie's age.

A little bit after that, Ma started to take me to Granny's once a week.

It was Tuesday mornings, at six am sharp.

No chance at running into Mom and Robin and even Roland, though he likes to help with Evie and comes back to the apartment with me from time to time.

But Emma barely notices him.

She sees her.

I know she watches her because every Sunday at two pm Emma sits at the window and watches Mom walk down the street toward the cemetery.

I noticed once that Emma braced herself to rush out of her chair.

Was she going to go after mom?

Were they finally going to have a happy ending?

Or did she stop because she noticed that Mom's dress pushed out more than usual?

Mom said she was showing earlier than usual but that happens due to positioning. We talked about how babies were formed inside the woman in Mr. Ruxton's class but it's weird when it happens to your own -Mom-.

Robin wasn't her happy ending, they fight a lot, mostly over her magic, but the baby is her happy ending and so she tolerates him.

I think she settled.

I wish she knew that Emma tried to tell her.

But she just thinks Emma is ignoring her or off pursuing my dad.

I wonder if I should have told her how she tried.

She stopped asking about Emma once the nursery was painted. Turquoise, because it reminded her of the time her and Emma saved all of Storybrooke.

Yeah, my moms are cool sometimes.

When grams came home one day, a day Emma had watched Evie and the toddler was nappy while it played Dance Central, she had announced to everyone about my mom.

"Henry, why didn't you tell us Regina was five months pregnant?"

Ma had to notice the dress the days she watched mom out the window. She had to.

But when grams confirmed it Ma went crazy.

Magic going everywhere and unable to control herself.

She left in a puff of blue smoke that day.

Later Ruby called to say that she had Emma and she was safe with her and Belle.

I was worried.

But that was nothing to hearing mom cry the moment I walked into the house a few days after Ma went crazy.

There was yelling coming from upstairs and Roland was on the steps crying and Robin telling Mom that it was her fault since she wouldn't give up magic.

And I remember I didn't like how he was talking to my mom so I rushed in to tell him so but stopped because I've never seen that much blood before.

Apparently when you loose a baby there is a lot of blood.

And I panicked and pushed Robin out, distributing my weight like gramps showed me, before I rushed to mom.

I tried to get her to calm down.

No one knew how to anymore.

"Hush," she used to say to me when I was little and crying, but it didn't work.

I didn't know what to do, she cried and cried and I've never seen my mom cry like that.

So I called Emma.

* * *

Whisper

"It's going to be okay," Ma would whisper to Evie when she would fall down or that one time Evie had tried to climb onto the couch only to fall off and hit her arm and she screamed and Ma just rocked her against her chest whispering this over and over softly to her.

I wanted to tell my mom that, comfort her like that, but I didn't know how.

Mom was laying in the middle of the bed, hands banging against the sheets as she let out one cry after another.

Emma didn't answer the first time I tried to call but the second time that I dialed - she answered immediately.

"Henry, what's up?"

"Come to mom's," was all I got out before I hung up the phone and went back to Mom.

The blood looked older than a few minutes and I wonder how long she had been sitting in it. I noticed the crimson color and I suddenly wished for the second time that I never left Storybrooke to find Emma.

Mom wouldn't have to go through this pain.

Neither did Ma.

But I guess it didn't matter and I'm still a kid and there are still somethings that I just don't understand.

I tried to get Mom's attention but it didn't work.

She just cried.

"She's gone," Mom cried out and it scared me. I tried to go to her but she only cried louder.

* * *

I don't know if Mom realized it was me.

So I went into her bathroom to get towels for all the blood because I knew that Mom liked things cleaned and I should clean up.

I didn't realize the trail of blood until I paused in the middle of the bathroom where I saw the source of my mom's pain sleeping on the towels that I needed to clean up the mess.

I'm sure she was only sleeping, right?

Mr. Ruxton said a baby at 25 weeks inside the woman's stomach was about ten inches long and only had a 25% chance at surviving.

We've survived more, right?

Except she was red and purple and she had a patch of dark hair on the top of her head and I want to say she looks like my Mom but she kind of looks like an alien.

That was my sister?

"Henry, don't go -" My mom realized I was here, finally, but she was too late.

I was here and the baby was there and the towels were under her and how as I supposed to clean up and make my family better if she was on the towels?

So I went back to Mom and I didn't speak.

This is kind of what Emma felt like, right?

Unable to speak.

And Mom's crying wasn't too bad but the moment I stood limply in the doorway she let out another sob.

So I sat on the edge of her bed and waited for Emma.

Emma was the savior and would save us.

Right?

* * *

Emma arrived - after a few hours.

She stopped dead in her tracks.

I haven't moved.

Mom was still crying, sobbing into bloody sheets.

And the bathroom door was open and the light was bright and I knew if I looked in that direction I would see her.

Mr. Ruxton said that she would be about ten inches long at 25 weeks but Mom was a few days over 25 weeks and she was slightly longer.

"Regina," Ma said and it was her voice that Mom responded to.

I turned my head to see that Mom looked at Emma with the biggest eyes. She held in the sob that was going to escape before Emma arrived and just stared at her.

I didn't understand this.

The silence.

How it wasn't really silence.

How they were saying things to each other, things I didn't really understand, in a way that seemed like they were screaming to each other.

Emma stepped closer, to the edge of the bed, and I noticed her fingers flexing toward my mom. Kind of like how they would when she would watch her on Sundays at 2pm.

Emma scrunched her nose and squinted her eyes towards the bright light of the bathroom before sucking in breath.

She sees her too.

I bet Ma thinks she is sleeping also.

Emma turns to head to the bathroom but Mom's voice stops her.

"Emma." It sounds desperate and sad and I don't think I have ever heard anything more sad.

I'm starting to think they don't realize that I am sitting on the edge of the bed.

Emma stops and turns toward my mom.

Mom reached for Emma and Emma looked like the dam when they exploded it on National Geographic.

Emma quickly climbed into Mom's bed and pulls her into her lap.

Just like she did Evie except she's softer with my Mom and she's gentler and she looks like that if Mom wasn't really, really sad - then this would be the beginning of their happy ending.

Mom sobbed and clung to Emma's shirt and it wasn't their happy ending.

I wasn't a teenager and I was still just a kid.

I didn't truly understand why my mom was in so much pain or why Emma's eyes looked like she was going to cry too.

I didn't want to believe that I once had a little sister but she died and she was on top of the towels that would clean everything.

If only I could clean everything up.

"Regina, It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay." Ma whispered to my Mom, rocking her against her chest and I didn't know if she was telling Mom that, or me, or if she was trying to convince herself that even though it isn't right now, one day it will be alright for herself.

* * *

Speak

I fell asleep at the foot of mom's bed, like I used to do when I was Roland's age, and woke up to a clean room and a blanket thrown over my shoulders.

The blood was gone from the sheets and the floor was completely clean.

I lifted my head to see that Mom and Ma weren't there and my head immediately turned to the bathroom that glowed with the late morning sunlight.

The blood was gone and in the middle of the floor sat now clean towels.

The baby that looked like an alien but was really my little sister was gone.

There was no crying.

There was no silence that sounded like screaming.

There was just the sunlight shining through and the smell of burnt pancakes.

I immediately ran downstairs to the kitchen but stopped at the last step as Mom lifted her face to look over at me.

She was wrapped in her robe, hair messy, and her eyes were red and puffy.

She looked really, really sad and I hated that because, you know, she's my mom.

She gestured to a plate next to her on the bar, "Emma made us pancakes, dear."

Ma wasn't around and I hesitated. "Where's Ma anyway?"

"She's gone Henry, this is a family issue."

Mom's voice was closed off without the softness she preciously had.

I frowned and nodded, coming to sit next to her on the stool and began to eat the pancakes.

Emma tried, but they were burnt and tasted yucky and I wished mom would have made the pancakes but maybe Emma was using that as a way to distract herself while she explained to mom about how she was her true loved and really loved her and tried to stop the wedding all those months ago but was too late.

I looked over at Mom who had long forgotten about her pancakes and stared out the window.

"Mom?"

"Yes Henry," she mumbled.

I frowned, "Emma's family."

Mom sighed, "Not now Henry."

And I didn't understand.

I didn't understand why it couldn't be right now. Why it couldn't be right now when she was hurting and I was hurting and Emma was hurting and I still remember what the baby looked like on the floor and what mom sounded like when she cried for the baby and the love in Emma's words as she soothed my mother so I can't understand why it couldn't be right now.

"She loves you," I blurt out.

Someone had to say it.

I found my voice - the strong voice that Emma once had - and I needed to speak up.

Like it mattered now - everything was so messy.

Mom turned her eyes to me and frowned, shaking her head, "Henry, nows the time to tell me your theories."

I frown, breath getting caught in my throat as I shake my head at her. "Stop mom, just stop. It's true."

Mom slammed her fist down on the counter and the wine glasses in the next room exploded and it caused me to jump.

Mom's face morphed from anger to fear to sadness as her eyes opened and then she cringed and finally she looked like she was going to cry again and it hurt me.

So I tried again.

With the truth.

"When you got married - she came to stop it. She took too long trying to get the courage and it was too late."

The words washed over my mom and she curled into herself without moving as uncertainty shifted in her eyes.

I continued, "She wouldn't leave the apartment or speak after that and thats why you never saw her."

Mom put a hand to her chest, head shaking, rubbing at her heart.

"We were all each other's happy endings, Mom."

And that's when Mom started to cry again - as if she was loosing another life all in the same day.

I guess she kind of was.

The life the three of us could have had.

* * *

**Cry [Interlude]**

Emma kissed Regina's forehead as she disentangled herself from Regina. The woman, reduced to gasps of breaths and dry eyes, only nodded her head at Emma when the blonde turned back to look at her, the bathroom, and then back at her.

Regina then turned her head into the covers and wept.

Henry slept soundly at the end of the bed like a little boy who was plagued by nightmares.

Except he isn't a little boy anymore and his parents didn't share a bed and there seemed to be no happy ending for the small boy as well as his unfortunate mothers.

Emma went into the bathroom and stared down at the small infant.

She was a tiny thing.

Scrunched up little nose, like Regina's did when she thought that Emma was being quite distasteful.

If the baby's chest was rising and falling, signaling life, then Emma would smile at the nose crinkle.

But she couldn't.

Because it was a piece of Regina and it was dead and Emma didn't want to even contemplate the heartbreak that the little girl represented.

But she was a piece of Regina and Emma couldn't help but desperately reach down for the little girl - swaddling her in a towel in the fashion Emma believed she thought she once had with Henry.

She felt cold when Emma brought her to her chest. Despite being about a pound, she felt so much more heavy to Emma and the thought that she was cradling Regina's heart in her arms broke the blonde in one way too many.

Regina's sobs got worse when Emma walked into the room with the baby in her arms. There were tears leaving Emma's eyes that she didn't realize were there but it was starting to make her vision blurry.

She opened her mouth to say something but then closed it.

Their eyes met.

Then Emma turned to leave.

She left the room.

She left the house.

She walked down Main Street clutching the child to her chest.

And finally, she ended up in front of the old, white washed building before pushing her way in and hearing the jolly sound of bells jingling.

* * *

Emma played the "if only" game.

If only she told Regina she loved her.

If only she had stopped the wedding in time.

If only she had went to Regina that night.

If only.

If only.

If only.

If FUCKING only.

Their story started years and years ago and they finally crossed paths a few years ago and they were written in the stars or some kind of bullshit and if only Emma had shouted her fucking feelings to Regina then maybe Emma wouldn't be carrying this baby in her arms.

This dead baby.

That belonged to the woman she loved.

And a guy who was a complete ass.

"I need your help."

The words escaped her lips in a rush and she was sure she had fumbled on them but she couldn't forget that she had this cold baby against her chest and Emma didn't understand why she couldn't save her.

Emma Swan was the savior.

She saved people.

So why couldn't she will this baby to live? Why couldn't she white light life back into Regina's heart?

"You know what you have to do, dearie." Came the responsed.

Yet, his answer was solemn and filled with melancholy and it seemed as if he didn't even want to say it aloud.

"But you don't have to do it," he was quick to add, moving from behind the counter.

Emma was crying, sobbing, and she was realizing it in that moment that she would never be able to stop.

The dam had broken.

"But you will," he said, and for a moment Emma really believed that he cared for her. Despite fucking her entire life over - Emma believed that he cared about the outcome of her life.

But that was a small detail in the big picture.

Emma looked down at the baby, watching as her tears splashed against the dark hair, and cried.

The crying turned to sobs.

And the sobs turned to her knees buckling and her sliding onto the floor as she held the baby tight against her chest.

A tiny little thing.

And then Emma thought about Evie - how much she loved the little girl. Her infectious smile and the way her eyes twinkled when she curled up against Emma.

She thought about her parents - her fucking idiot parents who loved her more than anything in the world.

And she thought about her son - his grin and the floppy hair and his ever so hopeful attitude about everything in life. She thought about just how much she loved him and how loved he has made her feel.

And lastly, Emma thought about Regina.

Emma thought about her smile and the way her voice husks over and just how many times she had found herself staring at Regina's ass in the many tight dresses she had worn as mayor.

Emma thought about her fiery persona and just how Regina is probably the only person in the world who could love unconditionally.

Emma thought about her love for Regina and about how much she wished she could give it to her and let the entire feeling fill her chest.

She held Regina's heart in her hands and Emma smiled at the thought that she could finally love it the way it deserves.

* * *

Rumple watched, sadden, as a white light took over his store.

* * *

Scream

It rained a lot in Storybrooke.

I have never seen it rain so much in Storybrooke than it did in those three weeks. I heard Ruby mention that it was the worse rain that they have ever encountered and Leroy said that if it didn't stop then we would have a flood but Granny said that it rained like the entire town was weeping.

They knew.

The entire town.

They were morning too.

So no one complained too much about the rain as it splattered across streets and chilled the entire town.

"To the bones," Archie said from his table across from us. "It's too the bones."

No one mentioned why.

No one mentioned the sadness looming over the entire town or why Evie stopped talking when she used to not shut up. No one mentioned why Robin and Roland moved across town or how everyone avoids the graveyard or how gramps hasn't left the loft in weeks.

No one mentions how Mom's eyes are only half lit.

Like part of her is completely gone.

People say there is nothing like losing a baby but I'm not too sure about that.

More importantly, though, no one mentions her.

* * *

Mr. Gold had lead my mom to me - practically putting me in her waiting arms.

She said that I was a difficult baby but she wouldn't have had it no other way.

That always made me smile cause Ma said the same thing when she thought about how she raised me in her memories.

Some days both sets of memories make my head hurt but most days I feel happy that I have them.

That I had both my moms.

And I had hoped that one day I could have them both again.

But I'm learning that there is always scenes behind the curtain that happily closed on the "happily ever after" endings in movies.

* * *

Belle was the one to call right after Mom had just settled down from crying. She accepted it and after a few moments - she looked hopeful.

Not the kind of awesome, the world is amazing hopeful, because she just lost a baby - but maybe there is hope hopeful.

I knew she thought about Emma and how she was there for her and how she loved her.

I bet Mom loved her just as much.

Belle told Mom that we needed to get to the shop as soon as possible.

Mom grabbed me and teleported.

She's already lost too many people in her world and the urgency of it lead to us landing right in front of the door.

And I felt sick - I don't know if it was from the teleportation or if it was due to the fact that something bad was going to happen.

Then we walked into the door and I heard grams screaming in the back room where I had once been under a sleeping curse.

Then I saw gramps holding Evie like my mom held me when she found me in Neverland. He didn't look up at us and Evie clutched gramp's shirts and grams was screaming and I felt mom squeeze my hand.

Then, Mr. Gold came forward with something wrapped in a towel and Emma's red jacket and Mom gasped and I heard the tiny cries coming from his arms.

I looked at Mr. Gold, my grandpa, and then at my gramps and the sound of grams screaming got louder and then the cries got louder and then I saw her.

She was still tiny.

But her nose crinkled like my mom's and her eyes looked just like mom's and her hair looked just like mom's and she was so tiny - but gramps was clinging to Evie and Evie was starting to cry and grams was screaming and my heart was in my throat.

I didn't understand.

Mom took the baby, quickly, bringing her to her chest.

And Mr. Gold looked so sad.

"She's delicate," he whispered, "Your girl, she's delicate."

And I didn't know if he was saying that about the baby or telling Mom about Emma but I didn't like the way he said it.

"She's strong, now, though. No need to take her to the hospital."

Mom looked down at the little girl and then back at Mr. Gold and then back down at the baby before shaking her head. She whispered, voice breaking, "It's not possible. No. She was dead."

Mr. Gold's shoulders fell as he whispered, "It turns out, Regina, that True Love can do many, many things."

* * *

And now I'm the one screaming - wishing upon stars and wondering why no one is granting my wishes.

I want my happy ending too.

I want our happy ending.

The one we all could have had.

And I cry for it.

For lost happy endings and unfulfilled wishes.

I wish she would have let her die.


	2. Dreams

**Silence Series**

**Dreams**

**6/5**

* * *

She named her Anastasia.

Mom said that it was Emma's favorite because it was a name of a lost princess who had found her family but I knew that it was the only thing that the baby and Emma had in common.

Mom held her close to her chest the day that we buried Ma.

She cried a lot too.

But I knew that the coffin was empty and Mom had put Ma in the glass coffin in her crypt.

She was weird like that sometimes.

But she said it was for me.

So that I could always see her.

But I knew that it was because she couldn't let Ma go.

Grams cried a lot at the funeral too.

Gramps held Evie like he did the day we found Ma.

I couldn't breathe and no one understood.

* * *

When I went to sleep at night I saw Ma in my dreams.

She wasn't in heaven or anything - no white light or halos.

Instead she sat in the dinner with me and we had shakes together and she asked me about my day as if nothing had happened.

She was really real in my dreams.

I slept a lot.

* * *

I begged the blue fairy to grant my wish.

She shook her head and told me that Emma made her choice.

I threw a candle stick at her before leaving.

* * *

Ma was the same in my dreams and I wondered if it was really her sometimes.

We were always at the dinner.

Sometimes we had shakes and other times hot cocoa with cinnamon - but mostly we talked about my day and she listened.

I couldn't cry in my dreams but I wanted to.

She didn't touch me in my dreams but I needed her to.

But she did listen and she did smell like Ma - so it didn't matter if it was only a dream.

It felt real enough to me.

* * *

"Do you want to hold her, Henry?" Mom asked one morning, six months after Ma had died.

Giving her white light to the baby giggling in Mom's lap.

I frowned, sliding deeper into the couch and shook my head.

Mom sighed and I frowned more and then she looked up - Mom had tears in her eyes and she hasn't cried in a long time.

Not since Emma saved Anastasia.

"I miss her too, Henry," Mom whispered, causing the baby to look up at her in a way that looked a lot like my baby pictures.

I shrugged, "Whatever."

"I loved her too, Henry." Mom admitted, softly and her voice was thick and it hurt and my frown deepened before I started to cry again because Mom said it's okay for boys to cry - even princes.

I went upstairs to go to bed.

* * *

"You're being a dick, kid."

I looked up from my milkshake at Ma who was leaning her back against the wall and propped up her feet on the bench. She looked very sleepy today and it was odd.

This was odd - not right.

"Ma?"

She sighed, turning to me, "Treating your mom like you do - I never liked it. I should have told you that sooner."

My eyes got bigger at her confession. Moms didn't say that to their kids but it was Emma and I guess she didn't have time to learn that rule.

"So," Emma sighed at me, her eyes searching mine. "Stop being a dick - she needs you, Henry."

It was only a dream, sure, I knew that but I was angry and it wasn't going how it should have gone and I stood up in anger.

The dream ended with me screaming back at her, palms on the table, "And WE NEEDED YOU!"

* * *

Anastasia looked up at me, pulling up on my pants leg and I wanted her to let go.

She was nine months which meant that Ma had been dead for nine months.

She hasn't been in my dreams for a while and it really hurts.

Instead, Anastasia looked at me with similar eyes as Ma and the white light illuminating the brown hues in the hazel irises.

"I don't like you," I grumbled, but I didn't move and I let her pull up on me because I know that Ma and Mom would want that.

* * *

"I miss your Mom," Ma was back in the booth and I was walking through the door and I could hear the tears in her voice. "I miss her so much, Henry."

I slide into the booth with a frown.

I was always frowning now.

"She misses you too," I whispered, putting my hand on the one of her's that rested on the table and it caused a buzz underneath my skin.

She felt so real.

So warm.

Ma looked up at me, tears were coming down onto her cheeks and it wasn't right that she cried. "I wish that I told her sooner, Henry. I wish that I told her that I loved her. Then this wouldn't have happened - oh god, Henry, none of this would have happened. I miss her so much and I miss you and I just sit in here, forever, thinking about what if I had said something. We would be happy, Henry, finally happy. We would be a family and happy and I wouldn't be so fucking lonely and unable to find my way back. God, Henry, I can't find my way back."

Ma began to sob and I began to cry and I didn't know how to help her.

It was hard being a kid.

It was so very, very hard.

And I wonder if I wasn't the only one wishing that Emma made a different choice.

I wonder if this Emma was real.

I wonder if she wished that she didn't sacrifice herself either.


End file.
